


Forgiveness Girl

by chizuu (orphan_account)



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Dysphoria, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jesse Pinkman has ADHD, Methamphetamine, Romance, Trans Female Character, Transfeminine Jesse, Transgender, fem!Jesse - Freeform, wlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:15:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23859661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/chizuu
Summary: The rejection hits hard, like getting a rock heaved directly at her, or a kick in the ribs. Physical pain would be much easier to stand than this.In a moment, however, her attention is caught by a piece of paper sliding beneath her front door. Once she makes it over and retrieves it, she's met with a pleasant surprise:Apology Girl.
Relationships: Jane Margolis/Jesse Pinkman
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	Forgiveness Girl

**Author's Note:**

> a while back, i got the idea for an AU for a trans woman jesse and shared it around in a breaking bad discord server i'm a part of. people liked the idea and we made lots of art, and i wanted to do a fic to go along with it! i hope this is portrayed accurately, as i'm not trans myself (but did get the blessing of some friends who are) -- if you have any comments or suggestions, please let me know!
> 
> WARNINGS: somewhat detailed meth use, mentions of transphobia/homophobia. nothing too explicit.

Fluffy white clouds fill the air, blooming into plumes that smell sweet and noxious, albeit faintly so. They leave Jesse's lungs, curling and eventually fading away into nothing. _Nothing_ is a keyword here, as it's exactly how Jesse feels she could be described. She feels as if she is _nothing._ It wasn't long ago that she felt the very opposite, though, her feelings ever-changing like a volatile substance under heat. She made a mistake, and _god,_ she's done stupid shit before, but in this very moment it seems that _this_ stupid shit takes the cake.

Her body trembles as she breathes in another puff, the melted crystal steaming through the bubble and hitting her lungs just the way she needs it to. People are an unreliable source of comfort at times, but _Tina_ is not. Jesse's godforsaken, toxic mistress always has her back, at least until the comedown hits.

Drawing her knees to her chest, she exhales another cloud into the duplex living room. Fuck, she knows she shouldn't be using here, shouldn't be smoking up when Jane lives right nextdoor, but what would Jane care anyways? What was it she'd said? _Who's you and me?_ Acting as if the connection the two of them shared was nothing? It's never been easy for Jesse to get that physically intimate with someone. The rejection hits hard, like getting a rock heaved directly at her, or a kick in the ribs. Physical pain would be much easier to stand than this.

In a moment, however, her attention is caught by a piece of paper sliding beneath her front door. Once she makes it over and retrieves it, she's met with a pleasant surprise: _Apology Girl._

It would seem that her and Jane _aren't_ as over as Jesse expected. She smiles, genuine and relieved, as she cradles the paper in her slender hands like it's made of gold. Jane _does_ care for Jesse, and that's much more potent of a mood-booster than any _amphetamines_ could be.

The first thing she wants to do is go next door and speak with Jane, but the reality hits her that she is not quite as presentable as she wants to be. Setting aside the fact that she's shaking like a leaf, her apartment smells like meth. Plus, she hasn't brushed her hair, and she _also_ smells like meth-sweat, and she's _also also_ high as shit right now and _how_ can she go over to Jane when she's wired as shit and prone to more impulsive rambling? Her ever-racing mind and grinding teeth are a sure sign of _tweaking_.

So, she opens the back window a crack and jumps into the shower, washes the _chemical smell_ off of her body and puts on a clean bra and something nice. Well, _nice_ in Jesse-fashion: a black graphic tee that hangs over her undernourished frame like a dress, and some _kinda-fitting_ pants. She brushes her teeth, drinks some water and even blow-dries her hair, because she's _gotta_ be presentable for Jane. Always for her. Even if dysphoria and rejection-sensitive dysphoria are hitting Jesse like a train right now.

The sky hangs a little lower in the sky when Jesse knocks on Jane's door, maybe about an hour later. She smiles, albeit a little bit nervously, when Jane opens the door to greet her. "Hey, _Apology Girl."_

Jane, while appearing to edge on apprehensive herself mere moments ago, seems to be put at ease by Jesse's greeting. "Hey yourself."

"You know, maybe your hero, maybe she, uh…" Jesse scratches at the back of her head, tugging down the hem of her beanie. "Maybe she needs a sidekick. Like, _Forgiveness Girl."_

That earns a shallow laugh from Jane. "Shit, maybe she does." Looking back toward her half of the duplex, Jesse momentarily worries that Jane will close the door and end the conversation at that. Instead, though, she gestures to the inside. "You wanna come in?"

Her voice is low and smooth, like dark velvet. If the crystal isn't already making her heart beat a million miles per hour, the tone Jane speaks in sure is doing the trick.

Jesse nods. "Yeah, absolutely." She's blushing, oh shit. She's got, like, no idea where this is gonna head, but she won't deny that she's at least _half_ hoping that it'll end with Jane holding her against a wall and planting her lips onto Jesse's own. Jane is _tall,_ and Jesse's just absolutely weak for a girl who she can stand on the tips of her toes for.

Mind wandering. Racing thoughts. Heartbeat heavy. Thump, thump, _thumpthumpthump._ Her heart could do all the talking for her in a flurry so fast-paced that she'd forget the words as soon as they left her. She occupies her mind by focusing on the house plants scattered throughout the small apartment. It's much more _alive_ than Jesse's own living space. It's pretty.

_Funyuns are plant-derived, right? They gotta be, 'cause they're made from onions. Well, Jesse's place is basically a garden of Funyuns, if that's the cause, because there's bags of 'em everywhere._

"So…" Jane speaks again, and Jesse's attention instantly locks onto her, watching her lips. They look _soft._ "I wanted to say sorry. About earlier, I mean. I didn't mean for things to pan out the way they did with my dad."

Jesse's heart feels like it's about to explode. How terrible is it to go see her girlfriend -- _her girlfriend who's in recovery_ \-- while high? She tries to swallow the guilt down, shaking her head quickly. "It's cool. It's fine. I -- I mean, I get it, why you might not wanna tell your dad why you're seeing the girl next door. There's… there's like a _billion_ reasons, I bet."

Jane's face softens, and she takes a few steps closer, takes Jesse's trembling hands into her own. "No, baby, it's not like that, I promise. I'm not even a _little_ ashamed of being with you." Noticing just how wired Jesse is, she looks to her with concern in her eyes. "Are you okay? You're shaking hardcore."

Jesse sniffles quite loudly. "I'm okay," she lies. "I'm just nervous. I… I got real bad anxiety, and shit." She looks up with glassy blue eyes to the taller woman. Lying to Jane makes her feel like a monster.

"Oh, honey," Jane murmurs softly, her hold on Jesse's hands only becoming more firm. "I'm so sorry. It's just that I'm not… I'm not out to my dad. He doesn't know I like women, and I don't know how he'd react. If he took anything out on you, I'd never forgive myself."

It's simultaneously validating to be gendered correctly and also disheartening to know that Jane is fully closeted. Jesse looks down, unable to maintain eye contact. "I understand," she says softly. "My parents didn't exactly take kind to me either when I came out. Sometimes the, uh, _closet_ is the safest place to be, I guess."

"You're right, but that doesn't excuse me blowing you off like that." Jane looks over to her sofa, a dark and plushy piece of furniture. "You wanna sit down and talk?"

Jesse nods silently and limply allows Jane to guide her over to the couch, taking a seat. Their hands are still interlinked even as they sit together. Jane does that thing, that thing where she runs her thumb over the back of Jesse's hand and it makes her heart _melt._

"What happened with your parents?" Jane asks gently, running a hand through Jesse's hair. It's long, a bit past her shoulders. "You never talk about them that much."

Nodding quickly and repetitively, Jesse admits, "Yeah. Yeah, I don't really… I don't know, I don't like thinking about them. They kicked me out when I was a teenager. Like, they _definitely_ wanted a son and they took it personally that they had a daughter instead. Plus, they didn't like that I smoked weed." Boy, were _they_ in for a big surprise when they discovered she used meth, too.

"Jesus, that's awful. I can't imagine why they'd have such big sticks up their asses over you being a girl." Jane makes a _disturbed_ face, shaking her head. "It's stupid to kick you out over weed, too. They didn't try to get you any counselling or rehabilitation for that?"

"What, rehab for _weed?_ Nah, man. They didn't get me shit. I went on to live with my aunt. She was the only one who accepted me before she passed. Guess that’s why I got so… I don’t know, hung up about wanting to meet your dad. I kind of just want a family. Is that stupid?"

“No, it’s not stupid at all.” Jane drapes a hand over Jesse's shoulder, her touch soft and gentle. "I'm sorry for your loss, and about your parents, too. You didn't deserve any of that shit."

 _Oh, no._ Just hearing that gets Jesse's emotions going. She can feel her eyes filling with tears already. "Thanks." She sniffles again, wiping her nose on her sleeve before Jane notices and gives her a tissue, breaking their hand-holding so that Jesse may wipe her nose. "That's really nice. I… I don't think anyone's ever said anything like that to me before."

Jesse startles a bit when Jane suddenly wraps her arms around her, pulling her into a hug. Jane rests her chin on Jesse's head as Jesse stifles a sob. "You should've heard it a lot sooner," Jane tells her.

Resting her head in the crook of Jane's neck, Jesse allows her tears to fall. She feels fraudulent, not saying anything about it, and so recklessly, she decides she must confess. "Jane, I… I don't know if I should stay. I shouldn't be around you like this."

"Like what?" Jane pulls away to look at Jesse with concern. "It's okay to cry around me. I'd be an asshole to judge you for that."

"No, not that," Jesse says, though she does appreciate the sentiment. What's going on with her is much worse than simply crying. "Jane, I'm… I'm _using._ I relapsed."

The look in Jane's eyes, it's hard to describe. Hurt? Heartbroken? Horrified? Jesse fully anticipates that Jane will get up and leave, but instead she just places her hand upon Jesse's cheek, cradling her face. “You relapsed. You… Okay. On what?”

Taking a shaky sigh, Jesse replies, “Crystal. Um, meth. It’s meth.”

Jane looks deeply saddened, but compasisonate. "Jesse… it's okay, babe. We -- we can manage this, right?" She doesn't seem entirely certain, but she's _trying._ Trying, for Jesse. "Come to me with a meeting. We can go tonight, together. It doesn't have to be like this. You… You don't have to do this to yourself."

Jesse's on the verge of bawling. She doesn't feel particularly pretty right now. "I don't know, I… I think I'm just bad for you. I should probably stay away."

"You should _not_ stay away from me, Jesse," Jane tells her sternly. "And you're not bad for me, I promise. I know going to meetings can be scary, but I'll be right there with you the whole time, okay? You don't have to let the drugs decide who you are."

Looking downward, Jesse debates what to do. On one hand, pushing away is a natural instinct, a maladaptive defense mechanism that's served her well over the years. On the other hand, Jane's right here and her voice is so _sweet_ and she's got a look in her eyes that makes Jesse's limbs feel like putty. Reluctantly, Jesse nods her head and answers, "Okay." Because meth is the easiest thing but _easy_ isn't necessarily the best. Because Jane is worth all of the effort in the world.

"Okay," Jane replies in return, smiling faintly. "Good. It's a date, then."


End file.
